I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
