So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
my liver is dry heaving
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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