dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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