end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
