I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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