Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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