Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
