god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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