You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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