Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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