At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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