I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize