Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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