omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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