I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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