So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
