After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
