Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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