Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
