Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
