I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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