Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish you could order shots online.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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