His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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