I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize