so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
