my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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