You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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