The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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