Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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