Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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