my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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