Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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