So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
