I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
