so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
