I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Found your dick twin last night
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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