**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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