im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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