I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
