Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
