yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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