im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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