toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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