I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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