i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
