I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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