When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
