Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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