The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
