life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize