i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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