i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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