Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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