i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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