the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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