I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
