Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
