we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
