the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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