Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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