Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
