how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
