Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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