Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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