Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
