Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
