i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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