i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
