Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
