I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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