At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
