I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Everything about him screamed your future.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
