Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
