when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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