i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
