this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
