just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
