I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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